All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. -J.R.R. Tolkien
Am I Lost?
I feel lost. I feel like I have been wandering aimlessly for so long. And yet, I have a place that was made for me by everyone in my life. I have been a daughter, a sister, a student, a wife, a mother. And yet, I feel lost. But I realize that none of those titles are for me. None of them allow me to choose myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all those things. And, for the most part, I am thankful for each of those labels. But they are all titles that say what I do for someone else. These titles I carry are all controlled by others. Someone else made me a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother. Life made me a student. But what have I made of and for myself? I need something for me— something that will be solid, secure and there until I decide to move on.
Why Does New Seem Scary?
Growing up, I was often told how selfish I was if I wanted to try something new. If I wanted to explore a new path, I was shown all the ways it would probably go wrong. I was taught to sit and be who others told me to be. I did my best for years. Then one day I couldn’t do it anymore. I applied for college and worked out a way to not only move out of my parents house, but to move states at 17 years old. I had no encouragement, no support, because it didn’t follow the script they had written for their own lives.
Each day of college became harder and harder as I struggled through so much with no one to to walk that path with. I felt lost but I kept going. I kept wandering.
Forks in the Path
Then I stepped onto a new path, not so much leaving the first path, but choosing the next direction. The role of wife, then mother lay in front of me and gave myself fully to it. I pushed my husband to be his best. I loved (still love) my boys fiercely and spent years doing my best to teach them everything I could. But as each year has gone by, I have found myself becoming more and more lost again. My oldest son has grown up, moved out, gotten married, become an amazing man. So as my boys grow up, the label of mother has changes. I will always be their mom, but it is different.
As my path forks, I have to make sure what I am doing what is best for my boys, offering them encouragement and support. But I am at a place that I have fewer people relying on my choice. I am in a position to actually choose the path that I want, the path that can put me at the top of the priority list. But it is scary to take that next step, toward something I have never done before. I’ve come upon a sharp curve in the path and can’t see around the corner and I’m a bit scared to keep wandering.
Choosing Myself
For me, and maybe many women in this season of big life changes, it is a frightening place to have to look at your life and feel like no one “needs” you like they once did. But as scary as it can seem, I look away from the mirror at my surroundings and see the beauty of what I have done. I see the lives of those I have wandered this life with and how well they have moved forward. So, why is it so hard to keep moving forward down this new path this time? Because it’s all about me. Will I become someone else? Someone new? Will those in my life continue to know and love me if I change?
Recently, I ran into someone I knew many years ago. We weren’t really friends, but had run in the same group and knew one another enough to be interested in catching up. As we spoke, I realized how much I had changed in the years we hadn’t seen one another. As I shared a little of the chaos of the last few years of my life, I laughed and wondered why I was telling her all that. I ended with saying something like, “Well, there’s my oversharing for the day.” Her response took me back. She looked at me and said, “Yeah. I remember you always did that.” In that moment, I stopped and realized I was not anything like the person she thought she had known. I abruptly stopped talking to her and walked away.
Changing For Me
What I learned from this encounter was that I can change and if it makes those around me uncomfortable, that is on them! I am so much happier with who I am today than who I was when I had known her. I am more confident, more emotionally stable, more functionally healthy. This was done by continuing to wander the unknown paths, taking the chance to walk around the blind corners of life and choose myself over what others want or have planned for me.
And just like that, this next corner no longer seems so intimidating.
The New and the Old
As I begin moving forward on this new path, I have collected new hobbies and renewed old ones. I am seeking a new place to feel like I belong, a place I can find who I really want to be— for me. Somewhere I am supported and encouraged, where I can grow deep roots to hold strong in a storm. I want to be strong so I don’t wither as I grow old.
Over the last several years my life has completely changed and I have felt a lot of shame and loneliness as I gave up friends, family, and fractured who I thought I was. It left me in ashes. But like Tolkien’s words, “From the ashes a fire was woken.” I have spent so much time looking at what my past looked like and feeling shame for not doing everything I think I am supposed to for others. Sitting in the ashes.
I don’t have to decide who I am today and I don’t have to look to my past to figure out who I am supposed to become. I get to wander the paths, sometimes aimless, maybe turn around and try a different fork. With these words from The Lord of the Rings I am reminded that nothing begins at its best. At any point I can find a new thing to do, a new direction to go, and at no point am I really lost. I am just seeking the next step in my life. I am wandering, this time with an aim of becoming a better me, for me. And I know I am not lost.
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