Last night I was driving back from my office with such immense gratitude. I had a day filled with long-term clients that had expressed such beautiful breakthroughs. I felt emotional several times throughout the day as they shared their new found peace, understanding or skills.
I was humbled over and over again how God would use a broken person like me to work with hurting people and to get to see their transformation as I journey through my own. I begin to listen and hear how God has connected us. The principle that we are all one gets solidified more and more and I see how similar we all are, how connected we are on our paths.
My day ended with a client that I have seen for close to 3 years. She shared with me the peace and presence she has despite a lifetime of back up plans, people pleasing, and not trusting herself. She said, “It feels so weird, Malissa, to not have a plan, to not blame and to be able to do what is best for me.”
When she left, emotional and grateful for her journey, I burst into tears of gratitude in my office. I could see how I thought God had used me in her life, but just as much, God had used her in mine. I see how we are all healing in real time. I felt so full as I ran through each client in my mind. Each had such profound growth on their journey of healing. I can see how my healing had impacted theirs, or possibly theirs mine. Either way it demonstrated how connected we all are and the importance of our impact on one another.
As I drove home, I saw the beautiful blue sky with something I had never seen before, two big beautiful, stormhead clouds. One large, the other smaller to my right with a light show inside. I initially thought I was seeing things because it looked as though someone was inside the clouds, flickering on and off the lights. There was not lightning anywhere else in the sky, but inside these two clouds that appeared to be fighting with one another with beautiful hues of pinks, blues, and purples.
I thought about all of the stories that I had made up over the years of why I was unlovable and couldn’t unconditionally love myself. Something I am diligently practicing with others. But each story, with each bolt of light was struck down. God just kept showing me that’s not true. My mind would say, “But what about that one? You know, the thing that was buried so deep that I hadn’t thought about in decades because it unearthed so much shame and guilt.” And I heard, “Even that one.” I can still be loved and love myself unconditionally with that?
Over and over again I heard with such love and compassion. “Yes, that one too.” It felt like what I had only moments before discussed with my client. The deck of cards that held the lies that contained my identity was collapsing, one right after another. It felt like emptiness, like peace. Something I couldn’t quite grasp, like the brick wall of anxiety and lies that felt so familiar to me. It was just gone.
She reminds me of something I had told her a while back, but didn’t recall because I know it must have been the spirit speaking through me. One day it will just be gone. The heaviness, the pain, whatever you have been carrying. That was the best way I can describe how it felt. A lifetime of identity of my Enneagram two was collapsing. The feelings of being unwanted, unloved, grasping at what I needed to do to seek love, replaced with empty expansiveness of actual love, peace, and pure presence. As it unfolded in her, it unfolded in me.
I sat in my car looking at the sky, knowing God had fought this invisible battle for me, and then it was over. Left with feelings of finality and peace. I am not sure what comes next, but I have no doubt I will find out soon as I continue to be still and listen.
